[ eventually, Ludger breaks off from the party and goes looking for Julius. everyone is drinking like their life depends on it, and for some, it very well might. all their wishes, and no guarantee it will turn out as they expect.
if it's going to be the very last night of their lives, Ludger would like to put some things to rest. ]
[ Julius has also quietly excused himself and broken off from the party at some point; he'll be found somewhere apart from the revelry (but not somewhere that requires climbing, fortunately for Ludger), resting back on his hands and staring up at the sky. ]
... Something like that. It all feels a bit much, doesn't it? I suppose it's all over now, and we only really have to wait— but actually convincing ourselves of that is a different story.
[ He hasn't gone quite as overboard as some with the drinks, considering, but maybe the alcohol's loosened him up a bit anyway. ]
Sure. I think I've got a moment. [ Just the one long moment, stretched out across all this time. ] What's up?
Wishful thinking, maybe? [ mildly. ] I'm not sure that was what I was thinking, really. Mostly I was remembering what Alhaitham had said a few days ago, about how having two people who can't really control themselves near each other isn't really a good idea.
Was more focused on removing myself from the immediate situation to try to keep people from getting hurt unnecessarily, but— [ he clicks his tongue a little, ] —so much for that, it seems.
Isn't it my decision who I want to have in my life? Aren't I an adult now?
[ he sighs, there's always this disconnect between them... ]
I... wish your life didn't center around me so much. I really felt that after I saw all your wish tags. But that doesn't mean I want you gone forever. Just... you know. Maybe I could move out to a different apartment or something.
Not exactly making much of an argument for why your life is better with me in it, you realize?
[ but it's light, with the deliberate kind of levity that only really amounts to taking honey alongside the bitter taste of medicine. ]
Well. You are right. I did say you were capable of making your own decisions now. Doesn't mean I won't have my own opinions on it, but ... I did try. To give you as much space as I could, here.
[ if that's an attempt at sweetening his words, then Julius has missed the point - it isn't always going to be perfect. maybe the base of their relationship was never stable. but that doesn't mean Julius is actively poisoning Ludger's life. it's not all or nothing - they can, in fact, just have a complicated relationship. and they'd have to learn to live with that. ]
... So it was my fault, then? [ he looks away ] Julius, do you even want to try living?
[ the answer that comes to his tongue first- 'doesn't it sound like you already have?' is not the one that ends up leaving it. he hums his way through it, instead, opting to tackle the other question in lieu of the first. ]
... don't get me wrong. I don't want to die. But you get used to expecting to die young in this line of work. The fact of the matter is, even in the best case scenarios I was never going to make it that far into my thirties, if even that.
After long enough with that kind of knowledge, certain kinds of mindsets just become second nature.
[ not asking for or expecting too much. not investing in or becoming attached to material possessions. not attaching to other people, not planning on anything long term, not building the kinds of foundations for any of the kinds of things that will inevitably be devastated when he invariably disappeared one day, sooner rather than later.
(and he broke all those rules for himself, didn't he, with Ludger. he should have ... it doesn't matter what he should have when he didn't.)
and ... read: he never planned for what would happen if he lived. Ludger might or might not know, if he'd found the letters, if he found all the things Julius left behind at the end, there: he'll plan for all manner of contingencies in the event if his death, but ... ]
It's not your fault. Regardless of how this conversation goes, I won't have you believing that my faults are something you have to bear on your conscience.
... Yeah, I know. It's... addictive, in a way. When your own safety doesn't factor into the equation at all.
[ Ludger hadn't even had that knowledge for very long, all things considered - just the certainty of an end, and look at how he acted. look how many times he was scolded by so many parties. there is something truly paralyzing about knowing death is inevitable, and right around the corner. ]
But... if this turns out alright, then we have a second chance to be better. Doesn't that mean something? For both of us?
Is that how you'd describe it? I guess there's a certain undeniable pull to it, the warped freedom to pursue that kind of reckless self-destruction with abandon.
[ part of him wants to ask whether Ludger found the letter. the one where it's laid clear that at at least some point in time, the answer to Ludger's question was 'no, not in the least.' just look at where that mindset took him, all those years ago. ]
But that you know it too ... I'd hoped I'd just been imagining it. [ a quiet sigh, but. ] I suppose I've been hoping a lot of things here, in trying to keep faith.
'If.' What's your plan, Ludger? Go back to Freres after all this? Clean up whatever mess was left at Spirius? Skip town, take Elle with you across dimensions?
[ there's no bite or judgment in it, mild and toneless as it is.
[ keep faith? that's an almost idealistic way to put it, considering the Trial and their family. but Ludger said he'd made his perfect world, that he was happy. what else could he have asked for?
he tries not to feel the weight of those expectations around his neck like a stone. he think he mostly succeeds. ]
I won't abandon Elle - like I said, if this all works out, which I'm hoping it will, then I'll... take care of her. Raise her.
[ ... ]
I'd like it if you were there to be her weird Uncle Glasses Guy. But I can't make you if you don't want that either.
[ what else would there have been to do, for someone already dead? his part in everything should have been over. from Ludger's point of view, he would have just been a too familiar ghost that's overstayed its welcome. it's not the place of a ghost to lament how they wish reality should be different instead. rather, their will shouldn't supercede that of the living's.
choices, choices. he'd stepped aside to let Ludger make his own. what else could he do but have faith?
still. ]
... Elle didn't know me. And she's ... That tells me enough about how things went with me, where she came from.
[ it's not a no, but.
Julius has seen enough fractures over the years to be familiar enough with his many faults, even if by nature none of them are exact reflections of the prime. still, given the many possibilities ... what makes Ludger think this Julius will do any better when it comes to family? ]
[ and yet. 'in trying to keep faith' sure sounds the end of a lament. ]
... If where she came from matters so much, then I shouldn't be going back either. After all, the me from Elle's dimension would have happily sacrificed her for his perfect ending.
[ if their fractured selves are so telling, then Ludger is just as doomed as Julius is. ]
But- someone told me I should focus on who I want to be, instead of dwelling on the possibilities. I want to believe in that. And if it applies to me, then it applies to you too.
[ ... ]
You've always wanted so much for me - you made me your purpose. Can't I want more for you, too?
[ he's quiet for a moment, settling more of his weight back onto his hands. his gaze remains upturned toward the (false?) sky that Magi had before shrouded. ]
... I haven't let myself truly want anything else for a long time, Ludger. At least, I thought I didn't.
[ he's not sure he still knows how to. not outside the obvious, not outside of their all-encompassing duty. trying to think of himself just feels ...
yuki might have been more correct than he knew. regardless of feeling, regardless of sentiment ... regardless of how things are within the clan, in the current day and age. there's ties of blood, and there's ties of obligation. once upon a time, there was a child who swore to put an end to their family's suffering.
(look how that went, huh.) ]
... Bisley's gone, I assume. At least from your wish tag about him reincarnating into something unfortunate, anyway.
[ Ludger's voice is sour as he tersely relays the information. he has no affection for Bisley, and yet, he's forever indebted to the man. a position he sorely despises.
he huffs a sigh and gentles his tone. his issues with Bisley shouldn't have any weight in this conversation with Julius. ]
It's okay if you don't know what you're doing or how long it takes - it's not like I know what I'm doing either. But it's important that we're at least willing to try.
[ is Julius willing to try truly living again? for more than just a single, all consuming purpose? ]
That sounds about right. Everything's a grand undertaking with that man.
[ grand goals, grand purposes, grand expectations. putting the salvation of humanity up on a pedestal, or whatever it is that the man had done to justify the cognitive dissonance of his actions to himself — keeping flowers for the memory of their mothers, even after being directly responsible for the death of one. that sort of thing.
there's a lot of things he could say here, but won't. most of them would probably just upset Ludger or be unhelpful at best. ]
I can't promise anything. More likely than not, you're just going to be disappointed. [ not wanting to die is not the same as wanting to live, or thinking that he should. (in fact, isn't it factual that he shouldn't, when if he survives he's the Divergence Catalyst?) it's a base impulse, selfish instinct for self-preservation and little more. what right does he have to cling to life when he doesn't even know what he's supposed to do with it? ] I know that's probably not what you want to hear. There isn't much I can say that wouldn't be a lie.
... depending on how things are when you get back, though ... I can probably bail you out from having to take up the reins of Spirius. You don't need to be tied to Elympios, if you don't want.
I don't need a promise that everything will be alright - I know that's not how it works. Just try to stick around? Weekly calls or texts if you need space?
[ he doesn't know how to make his brother want things again - all he can try to do is help him find a path to be content first. ]
... Julius, neither of us studied business. I don't think that'll go over very well. Besides, don't you hate anything that isn't the engineering R&D department?
Aren't you the one who needs space more than me? If you let me, you know I won't be able to help but fuss.
[ feels almost like they're having two different conversations, huh. julius shrugs just a little at the last bit, though, more a roll of the shoulders than otherwise. ]
It's not a matter of liking it or not. Leaving things as they are would just be irresponsible, and better me than you for dissolving and restructuring the Department of Dimensional Affairs and getting Spirius in order after. At least as an interim measure, anyway. Most of the agents there can be folded into other departments, since strictly speaking the DODA wasn't exactly public facing, so a lot of us doubled up between that and more conventional pursuits. [ You know, like R&D. ] Vera's good at her job, but she's not in a position to simply take control of the company even with the circumstances being what they are. I have enough business and admin experience to get by for that much, considering you don't actually know most of what I studied. Plus, with how fast you advanced in the company ...
[ thank you, Bisley, for putting a certain kind of target on Ludger's head. ]
... well. Maybe I'm not in a position to talk, considering. [ he thought he'd been well-liked enough, for the most part, but that was before. ] I can only imagine how much goodwill I must have burned through after that long being considered a terrorist.
Fussing is different from centering your life around me, Julius... And how are you going to figure out things you want unless you get out there and try things for you?
[ yes, Julius certainly is talented at splitting normal conversations into micro-conversations to avoid topics he doesn't like, isn't he... ]
No, that doesn't make sense either. First of all - do you even want to run Spirius? Do you think it would be something you'd genuinely enjoy? Or is this another thing you'd pick up just because you're trying to spare me?
[ he sighs ]
My current plan was I'd be the one making big changes - the "naive newcomer" fumbling his way through things and all that. And then, after I make enough of a mess, they'd happily remove me from CEO and give it to Vera or someone else who'd be appropriate. Or in the event you decide you actually want the job, then I'd have caused enough problems they'd practically cry tears of joy to have you back.
[ he's a big boy, Julius. he won't just cut and run. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chromatized) wrote2025-11-08 06:32 pm
w5, sunday idk
if it's going to be the very last night of their lives, Ludger would like to put some things to rest. ]
Hey, Julius. Taking a break?
[ ... ]
Can we talk?
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... Something like that. It all feels a bit much, doesn't it? I suppose it's all over now, and we only really have to wait— but actually convincing ourselves of that is a different story.
[ He hasn't gone quite as overboard as some with the drinks, considering, but maybe the alcohol's loosened him up a bit anyway. ]
Sure. I think I've got a moment. [ Just the one long moment, stretched out across all this time. ] What's up?
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... Do you remember anything from when you went berserk? Before the cure.
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You might have to elaborate a little on the context for anything specific, but I figure I can follow along as long as you do.
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Why did you think I wouldn't come after you? Just because you said so?
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Was more focused on removing myself from the immediate situation to try to keep people from getting hurt unnecessarily, but— [ he clicks his tongue a little, ] —so much for that, it seems.
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[ he's got to keep in mind the effect of the mental affliction with the infection, but... ]
... Do you believe I love you?
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... of course I know you do.
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You've done perfectly fine for yourself without me. Better, even, than when I was hovering over and stifling you.
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[ he sighs, there's always this disconnect between them... ]
I... wish your life didn't center around me so much. I really felt that after I saw all your wish tags. But that doesn't mean I want you gone forever. Just... you know. Maybe I could move out to a different apartment or something.
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[ but it's light, with the deliberate kind of levity that only really amounts to taking honey alongside the bitter taste of medicine. ]
Well. You are right. I did say you were capable of making your own decisions now. Doesn't mean I won't have my own opinions on it, but ... I did try. To give you as much space as I could, here.
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[ if that's an attempt at sweetening his words, then Julius has missed the point - it isn't always going to be perfect. maybe the base of their relationship was never stable. but that doesn't mean Julius is actively poisoning Ludger's life. it's not all or nothing - they can, in fact, just have a complicated relationship. and they'd have to learn to live with that. ]
... So it was my fault, then? [ he looks away ] Julius, do you even want to try living?
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... don't get me wrong. I don't want to die. But you get used to expecting to die young in this line of work. The fact of the matter is, even in the best case scenarios I was never going to make it that far into my thirties, if even that.
After long enough with that kind of knowledge, certain kinds of mindsets just become second nature.
[ not asking for or expecting too much. not investing in or becoming attached to material possessions. not attaching to other people, not planning on anything long term, not building the kinds of foundations for any of the kinds of things that will inevitably be devastated when he invariably disappeared one day, sooner rather than later.
(and he broke all those rules for himself, didn't he, with Ludger. he should have ... it doesn't matter what he should have when he didn't.)
and ... read: he never planned for what would happen if he lived. Ludger might or might not know, if he'd found the letters, if he found all the things Julius left behind at the end, there: he'll plan for all manner of contingencies in the event if his death, but ... ]
It's not your fault. Regardless of how this conversation goes, I won't have you believing that my faults are something you have to bear on your conscience.
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[ Ludger hadn't even had that knowledge for very long, all things considered - just the certainty of an end, and look at how he acted. look how many times he was scolded by so many parties. there is something truly paralyzing about knowing death is inevitable, and right around the corner. ]
But... if this turns out alright, then we have a second chance to be better. Doesn't that mean something? For both of us?
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[ part of him wants to ask whether Ludger found the letter. the one where it's laid clear that at at least some point in time, the answer to Ludger's question was 'no, not in the least.' just look at where that mindset took him, all those years ago. ]
But that you know it too ... I'd hoped I'd just been imagining it. [ a quiet sigh, but. ] I suppose I've been hoping a lot of things here, in trying to keep faith.
'If.' What's your plan, Ludger? Go back to Freres after all this? Clean up whatever mess was left at Spirius? Skip town, take Elle with you across dimensions?
[ there's no bite or judgment in it, mild and toneless as it is.
this isn't a test. it's just a question. ]
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he tries not to feel the weight of those expectations around his neck like a stone. he think he mostly succeeds. ]
I won't abandon Elle - like I said, if this all works out, which I'm hoping it will, then I'll... take care of her. Raise her.
[ ... ]
I'd like it if you were there to be her weird Uncle Glasses Guy. But I can't make you if you don't want that either.
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choices, choices. he'd stepped aside to let Ludger make his own. what else could he do but have faith?
still. ]
... Elle didn't know me. And she's ... That tells me enough about how things went with me, where she came from.
[ it's not a no, but.
Julius has seen enough fractures over the years to be familiar enough with his many faults, even if by nature none of them are exact reflections of the prime. still, given the many possibilities ... what makes Ludger think this Julius will do any better when it comes to family? ]
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... If where she came from matters so much, then I shouldn't be going back either. After all, the me from Elle's dimension would have happily sacrificed her for his perfect ending.
[ if their fractured selves are so telling, then Ludger is just as doomed as Julius is. ]
But- someone told me I should focus on who I want to be, instead of dwelling on the possibilities. I want to believe in that. And if it applies to me, then it applies to you too.
[ ... ]
You've always wanted so much for me - you made me your purpose. Can't I want more for you, too?
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... I haven't let myself truly want anything else for a long time, Ludger. At least, I thought I didn't.
[ he's not sure he still knows how to. not outside the obvious, not outside of their all-encompassing duty. trying to think of himself just feels ...
yuki might have been more correct than he knew. regardless of feeling, regardless of sentiment ... regardless of how things are within the clan, in the current day and age. there's ties of blood, and there's ties of obligation. once upon a time, there was a child who swore to put an end to their family's suffering.
(look how that went, huh.) ]
... Bisley's gone, I assume. At least from your wish tag about him reincarnating into something unfortunate, anyway.
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[ Ludger's voice is sour as he tersely relays the information. he has no affection for Bisley, and yet, he's forever indebted to the man. a position he sorely despises.
he huffs a sigh and gentles his tone. his issues with Bisley shouldn't have any weight in this conversation with Julius. ]
It's okay if you don't know what you're doing or how long it takes - it's not like I know what I'm doing either. But it's important that we're at least willing to try.
[ is Julius willing to try truly living again? for more than just a single, all consuming purpose? ]
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[ grand goals, grand purposes, grand expectations. putting the salvation of humanity up on a pedestal, or whatever it is that the man had done to justify the cognitive dissonance of his actions to himself — keeping flowers for the memory of their mothers, even after being directly responsible for the death of one. that sort of thing.
there's a lot of things he could say here, but won't. most of them would probably just upset Ludger or be unhelpful at best. ]
I can't promise anything. More likely than not, you're just going to be disappointed. [ not wanting to die is not the same as wanting to live, or thinking that he should. (in fact, isn't it factual that he shouldn't, when if he survives he's the Divergence Catalyst?) it's a base impulse, selfish instinct for self-preservation and little more. what right does he have to cling to life when he doesn't even know what he's supposed to do with it? ] I know that's probably not what you want to hear. There isn't much I can say that wouldn't be a lie.
... depending on how things are when you get back, though ... I can probably bail you out from having to take up the reins of Spirius. You don't need to be tied to Elympios, if you don't want.
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[ he doesn't know how to make his brother want things again - all he can try to do is help him find a path to be content first. ]
... Julius, neither of us studied business. I don't think that'll go over very well. Besides, don't you hate anything that isn't the engineering R&D department?
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[ feels almost like they're having two different conversations, huh. julius shrugs just a little at the last bit, though, more a roll of the shoulders than otherwise. ]
It's not a matter of liking it or not. Leaving things as they are would just be irresponsible, and better me than you for dissolving and restructuring the Department of Dimensional Affairs and getting Spirius in order after. At least as an interim measure, anyway. Most of the agents there can be folded into other departments, since strictly speaking the DODA wasn't exactly public facing, so a lot of us doubled up between that and more conventional pursuits. [ You know, like R&D. ] Vera's good at her job, but she's not in a position to simply take control of the company even with the circumstances being what they are. I have enough business and admin experience to get by for that much, considering you don't actually know most of what I studied. Plus, with how fast you advanced in the company ...
[ thank you, Bisley, for putting a certain kind of target on Ludger's head. ]
... well. Maybe I'm not in a position to talk, considering. [ he thought he'd been well-liked enough, for the most part, but that was before. ] I can only imagine how much goodwill I must have burned through after that long being considered a terrorist.
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[ yes, Julius certainly is talented at splitting normal conversations into micro-conversations to avoid topics he doesn't like, isn't he... ]
No, that doesn't make sense either. First of all - do you even want to run Spirius? Do you think it would be something you'd genuinely enjoy? Or is this another thing you'd pick up just because you're trying to spare me?
[ he sighs ]
My current plan was I'd be the one making big changes - the "naive newcomer" fumbling his way through things and all that. And then, after I make enough of a mess, they'd happily remove me from CEO and give it to Vera or someone else who'd be appropriate. Or in the event you decide you actually want the job, then I'd have caused enough problems they'd practically cry tears of joy to have you back.
[ he's a big boy, Julius. he won't just cut and run. ]
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